Archive for the Uncategorized Category

The Great Forbidden Action Play Set: My Mom’s Glass Coffee Table

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on February 26, 2014 by kingbiscuitpants

I grew up in the early 80’s when video games were still for the most part awful or too expensive for my household, and for grand fantasy you needed dice, paper, friends and tons of rules; but for every day play the action figure was king and nothing was so coveted as the “action play set”.  Be it “Castle Grey-skull”, “Fortress Maximus” or the grandiose “U.S.S, Flag”; no other toys were so dearly prayed for or more crude shrines made from the toy section of the Sears catalog than the great play set.  However, despite of all these mass produced technological terrors; I had occasional access to the great forbidden play set, perfectly suited for all genres—my mother’s antique glass coffee table.  


            The origins of the table are a mystery to me, only as an adult do I realize it was obviously a valuable antique; all I knew as a child was that it was the perfect setting for my imaginary adventures.  In actuality it was a set of three, two layer tables, two of them were rounded triangular pieces (not very dissimilar to the Star Trek Federation insignia) and circular piece usually kept between them.  Not only did this provide a three level play area (if you counted the floor under the bottom shelf—which of course was usually the dungeon) the ornate, suburban Rococo cast bronze legs just added a certain je ne sais quoi to my imaginary play.  Paired with this prince amongst coffee tables were two equally ornate table lighters, both massive, heavy brass representations of a fleur de lis, which usually found themselves the resting places of arcane magics in my mind.


            Sadly, the forbidden fruit is all the sweeter.  I grew up in the type of old school Italian-American household most people think only exists in sitcoms.  By this I mean, disturbingly clean, plastic on the furniture, towels on top of the plastic, more plastic on the most traveled paths on the carpet, and what, wasn’t covered in plastic was made of glass and what was the enemy of glass?  Dust and fingerprints.  Every single day all the glass surfaces were dusted with paper towels and Windex (always that specific brand) – god help you if you left a streak.  The unwritten, though frequently screamed, rule was don’t touch anything coupled with “Goddamn it Dom! How many times do I have to tell you not to play on the coffee table!”. 


            Now believe it or not, I was a pretty well behaved kid (frankly I was too knocked on my ass by severe asthma to cause much mischief overall) but the one thing I could never resist was playing with my action figures on that table.  So great was my obsession, I would actually wake up at four in the morning, well before my parents got up on the weekends, to sneak into the living room and get in a couple of hours of forbidden play before they got up then ferociously Windex the tables (yes I’m using a name brand as a verb that was the dialect of my people) to eliminate the evidence.  Frankly, my immature attempts at stealth rarely were convincing and I usually ended up in trouble.  The only times I was allowed to use the table as I so craved was when I was very, very sick which was when my mother’s resolve would waver and I could play to my hearts content.


            Whatever happened to the table sadly, has long been forgotten, around the time I hit thirteen, my mother got sick of the furniture we had and replaced it with the most bland and unimaginative Formica crap, colored in a depression rainbow of beige, teal and mauve. The ornate and fascinating antiques I grew up around and helped to shape my personal aesthetic; being put aside because they were “too hard to clean…” Still, I remember with shocking clarity a specific day when I was nine years old, wheezing like a miner with black lung, playing with my Dungeons & Dragons action figures (not the RPG look them up those figures rocked) in my pajamas as I created grand adventures for my toys.  Even the itchy texture of the hideous orange shag rug is etched upon my mind, a moment of play, a moment of escape, a moment of joy.


2010 in review

Posted in Uncategorized on January 3, 2011 by kingbiscuitpants

The stats helper monkeys at mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 6,800 times in 2010. That’s about 16 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 166 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 335 posts. There were 44 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 8mb. That’s about 4 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was August 17th with 187 views. The most popular post that day was Is it bad that I wish that Justin Bieber would be torn limb from limb by an irritated silverback gorilla?.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were,, WordPress Dashboard,, and

Some visitors came searching, mostly for sloth, kingbiscuitpants, sloths, cute sloth, and les claypool rainbow bass.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.


Is it bad that I wish that Justin Bieber would be torn limb from limb by an irritated silverback gorilla? April 2010


Why do you never see pet sloths? May 2010


Ghosts of blogs past MATTHEW SWEET’S GIRLFRIEND ALBUM January 2010


New Bass Day SX Ursa 6 August 2010


Dom’s No-Cheese Baked Ziti April 2010

More posts soon I promise

Posted in Uncategorized on November 18, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

things have been nuts and i need to buy a new PC since my computers died a while ago & i’m trying to get my mom’s condo fixed up and sold, and that’s the least of things.

thanks for the patience

Song of the day: “Tell her this” by Del Amitri

Posted in music, Uncategorized on April 26, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

“Tell her this” by Del Amitri is hands down my favorite love song.   This song is the soundtrack of my angsty, frustrated late to post teenage years and captures the “crying while the song is on the radio while you’re driving” (really happened & I even remember the girl’s name at the time and the road I was driving down… it was raining too) high volume levels of emotion that I gratefully am mostly incapable of at this point. 

This is the sort of song that can get you to do really stupid things if listened to enough times in a row; if you need to amp yourself up to tell someone you love them for the first time, this is the one to do it.

I’m a bitter, beat up old man mentally, but as I’ve been writing this post I’ve had the song playing as a loop and I swear I’m getting teary and find myself wanting to call my wife at work and blubberly go on and on about how much I love her.  I’ll wait till she gets home so she doesn’t think I’m having a breakdown again.  

My favorite line is “tell her something in my heart needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd”.  Being essentially a clown at heart that one always gets me.

Listen cautiously, this is serious medicine, and keep tissues nearby.

So I Planted an Onion Yesterday…

Posted in Uncategorized on April 15, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

This less than engrossing story started a few days ago when I was making dinner.  I noticed one of the onions sprouting quite heavily, my first thought was: “Well, this little fella is certainly trying real hard.”  So I put the onion in a cup of water and let the roots develop somewhat more & planted it outside by one of the trees. 

Now I have no grand plans of becoming an onion farmer or any onion based goals really; I just took sympathy on one of my favorite ingredients and thought it had earned a decent shot at growing.   I do freely realize feeling deep sympathy for an onion is eccentric at best, far more likely it’s a bit of a flag that I’m quietly getting a bit loony…  Okay, a bit more looney.

Hopefully I’ll find a job soon.