Archive for the pets Category

Ferret interlude.

Posted in pets on June 7, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

I have to admit the silly little amalgam of kitten and tube sock has a way of growing on you.

So much for my tough guy image.

However, I defy you to not be entertained by the sight of a ferret eating crunchy peanut butter.

I need a job.


Why do you never see pet sloths?

Posted in pets, rants on May 16, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

Before we get any farther watch this,

Cute aren’t they.   They have claws but don’t seem very dangerous and best of all they only poop once every two weeks!

True fact by the way…

But this being said, youn ever hear of people having pet sloth.  I mean there are loads of jackasses who are into exotic pets like monkeys, large reptiles or even lions but no demand for sloth?

Why nobody got love for the sloth? 

Hell they can’t be dangerous. 

Have you ever heard of anyone suffering a “sloth related” injury?

How much damage could it cause if it escaped?

Sloth on the rampage?  Don’t think so… 

“Run for your lives!!”

“Okay walk for your lives!”

“Ummm…  Stroll, definately stroll as if your lives depended on it.”

I mean if being chased by a rampaging sloth, you could easily stop at a passing ice cream truck for a snack and still easily save yourself from it’s slow motion violence.

And have I mentioned that they only poop once every two weels?

Imagine if you had both a sloth and a ferret.

You could coat the sloth in mayonaise and watch the ferret get all crazy.

Ummmm…  Maybe disregard that last bit.

Normal Ferret Schenanigans lead to Logan having the Best Line Ever.

Posted in kids, pets on May 10, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

 Take a look at that empty little head.

That’s the little source of comedy relief in our household.

A couple of days ago I was helping to get the kids ready for school as our little tube sock of doom was scampering around underfoot; as is his custom in early AM hours.

This particular morning Kira was looking for something in her backpack and amongst the detritus in there the ferret found an opened package of peanut butter crackers and began making “daring raids”, stealing the crackers one by one and “ferreting” them away in some random spot, much to the  amusement of Kira, logan & I.

However, Kira was still looking for “something” and had yet to put on her belt so she had a considerable case of “plumbers butt” which was investigated immediately by a curious ferret; again, much to our mutual amusement.

Logan was Laughing so hard he was turning beet red to which I inquired:

“Logan, what’s so funny?”  Logan, with great difficulty, through his laughing and lack of oxygen, and managed to stammer: “The ferret…   thinks she… has an….   Ass full of crackers….”

Being the paragon of maturity that I am I immediately started laughing as hard as he was.  Kira and even the ferret was laughing too, like we were characters in an 80’s sitcom enjoying a relaxing moment of denoument.

Ferrets Like Mayonaise

Posted in pets on May 5, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

Good morning Lummoxcateers!

I thought I’d share a vital and life changing fact with you today; ferrets (or at least the furry tube of comic relief that runs around my home) like mayonaise.

I came upon this very important data while making sandwitches this morning while the ferret (of whom I affectionately like to call “Shithead”) was scurrying around my feet and playfully biting at my toes and ankles as is his daily custom when a glob of mayonaise fell and hit him square on top of his empty little head.

At first he was startled (which really is funny enough on it’s own)  but soon after he began his hygenic ministrations he got a taste of  the offending matter in his fur, which soon changed his behavior from grooming to what is best described as a ferret in the throwes of a mayonaise induced fit of ecstasy, as he franticly attempted to enthusiasically consume every molecule of mayo, making good use of the god given flexibility of his species.

Once he was finished, purely for the sake of scientific rigor I asssure you, I put a small dollop of mayonaise in his empty food bowl which he attacked with equal abandon.  As a result of my findings I am comfortable stating that ferrets like mayonaise.

Now I also know what I can do to amuse myself if the cable gets turned off.

heartwarming pet story

Posted in pets on March 14, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

Well no, not really…  Not for quite a while actually.

I was just enjoying a fellow blogger’s charming tale about one of her neurotic housepets, “oohing” and “awwing” at the appriopriate moments and generally enjoying the tale.  I then look over at one of my familiy’s cats.

We gaze at one another with languid apathy.   I’m not sure in this darkened room which one it is, I frankly don’t care as they are all essentially interchangeable to me.  My eyes scan the path of damage that led it to chair a foot or so away from me.  I look into his unapologetic feline eyes, there is neither affection or intelligence reflected in them.

“Asshole…” I mutter under my breath as I return to the computer and he returns to licking where his balls used to be.

I’ve had much beloved pets through the years, cats included, I’ve stated this many times, yet I can muster no affection for these cats no mater how I try.  The kids laugh in delight as one chases a bottle cap across the floor, I watch in horror as it knocks 3 dining room chairs over in the process. My family & I are definately seeing 2 different sides of the same coin here.

I find myself wondering yet again: have I become so bitter and callous that there is no place in my heart left for pets; or are the ones I have merely assholes?  The world may never know…  Or more likely never care.

Further evidence to the fact that my housecats are assholes…

Posted in pets on January 16, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

As I have previously said, “I’m fairly convinced that my housecats are assholes…”

I have further evidence to support my claim.  As you know I recently built a new bass.

One of my felonious feline fuckups, jumped on the bass as it was minding it’s own buisness on the wall hangar, knocking it down, and causing the already dodgy electronics to jarr out of place.

Not surprisingly, I immediately wanted to throw open all the doors to the place & use each possible exit as a direction in which to practice my tuna salad fastball; then let nature take it’s course.

Remember I really like animals, however, these little jerkoffs have clawed up so much of my shit I’d want to have them declawed SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE IT’S CRUEL & DISFIGURING just to get back at them.  Obviously I’m not I’m just fantasising about it online, but still they drive me fucking nutballs.

I’ve lived happily with many a cat, but these jaguar sized hellbeasts drive me apeshit gorrillabiscuts crazy.

I’m fairly convinced; my housecats are assholes…

Posted in pets on August 3, 2009 by kingbiscuitpants

Let me first qualify myself as an animal lover, I have had dogs, cats, lizards, fish and even axotyl and have been fond of all.  This being said, however, I have come to the painful conclusion that my current housecats are total assholes.  They were given to our family as kittens by a presumptuous but well meaning friend of ours a week after our much beloved (by me as well) cat of 17 years died of cancer.  I still have a bit of bile towards our friend for not eliciting my opinion at any time about her decision to drop of not one but TWO FUCKING CATS!!! at our door.  In her defense she knew my response would have been to say “NO FUCKING WAY!!  REMEMBER I HAVE A GUN & KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!” I then would have built a moat and filled it with burning tires.

I dealt with this & forgave our very well intentioned friend (with the understanding that any other live animal she brought into my home I will force her to watch me kill & eat regardless of species) because it brought much joy to Shu & the kids.  Consigned to owning these cats I decided to make the best of it, however, however, as they grew they matured in to claw covered furry balls of destruction who live to find new and inventive ways to shit not quit in the cat box  but near enough to make one optimistic as well as DESTROY ALL MY FUCKING FURNITURE & THE COVERINGS FOR MY AMPS!!!!

We’ve tried squirt guns, loud noises, moving & changing the litter boxes as well as every responsible and legitimate cat disciplining information on the internet.  I have also in the interest of science explored screaming, slapping, and even the occasional “swirly” when they are caught in the act of feline douchebaggery but to no avail.   We have spent large amounts of money on scratching posts smeared with everything from catnip to Mexican black tar heroin to encourage them to use them to no avail.  These feline jack-offs insist on only clawing up things I personally care about.

But my wife & kids “love” them.  I simply do not understand this, these little shits are far from affectionate to start with so I really see no return on investment when I step in a pile of cat vomit at 3 a.m.  So since I am the only human in the house to miss the allure of these devious feline scumbags I have been going way out of my way to find some redeeming quality to these little fucks out of sympathy to my family before I do a full court press to get rid of them, with a bat if necessary.  But I am trying, and remember I actually LIKE cats just these 2 are assholes, that simple; I’m trying to se the best and wish me luck but so far all the data I have reached screams “LIVING WITH 2 FELINE ASSHOLES”!!!