Archive for the kids Category

Diary of what’s gone on since my Mother Died

Posted in failure, kids, rants on August 20, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants


‎8:16am My mother just died


I wish to thank all of you for your words of condolences and well wishes; they have helped me so very much as I’ve been dealing with my Mother’s demise.
I hope I never seemed needy , but again you all have helped so much so far.
I know it will take time to deal with all this but I am eternally grateful to have been bless…ed with so many wonderful friends.
I very truely love you all.


I’ve started going through my mom’s things with my Aunt & grandma. It’s so hard, we can only survive a couple of hours at a time before something hits us and the waterworks start.

I found a long letter my mom wrote to me when I was 17… I couldn’t get through a paragraph though I kept it.

In a few hours we go back to f…inish, wish me luck in keeping it together.

as always thanks so much to you all.


i feel dumb saying this but… It has only now sunk in that my mother has died.
Hell I was right next to her when it happened, I saw it.
I guess all the running around with funerary bullshit was a distraction but the more that gets done the more real it gets, and the harder everything else gets.
I don’t know I’m just t…rying to fuck up as little as possible as I get things done.
wish me luck guys & as always thanks


As of today I’m officially overwhelmed & more than a bit nuts, the funeral bullshit is finally taken care of (barring a breif interlude where I was convinced they lost my mother’s body at the crematorium but that is a story I’m not ready to write) the kids go back to school monday and we havent finished the back to school stuff, the funeral home is still taking forever to handle things so when teh urn is finally ready I’m picking it up myself because I dont trust that load of royal fuckwits that run the cemetary.
Oddly enough the final straw for me to totally lose it was my kids breaking a brand new guitar cable that I just spent $25 bucks on yesterday afeter I warned them not to….
I’m so angry I’m shaking —the fact that I went yet another night without sleeping doesn’t help either.
as always wish me luck I really need it


Is it August 23rd yet? How about now?

Posted in kids on June 11, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

my children are home for summer vacation.

they have already been so abysmally horrible that I have already began the countdown to school resuming.

here is a bit of advice, reproducing is the worst fucking idea you could ever have & I’ll tell you why…

1. your genes aren’t that fucking special, get over yourself jackass

2. your children will certainly become hideous ungrateful monsters

3. overpopulation fuckface

4. the world we are leaving them is a ruined mess with only minutes left on the clock

5. children are sticky and covered in bacteria

8. you will never know a moment’s peace of happiness once they draw their first breath

9. the stupid little shits will probably reproduce (well before you feel like being a grandparemt shitsmear) as well

10. shitsmears

that was my puiblic service message of the day, now go out & get snipped before it’s too late.

Normal Ferret Schenanigans lead to Logan having the Best Line Ever.

Posted in kids, pets on May 10, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

 Take a look at that empty little head.

That’s the little source of comedy relief in our household.

A couple of days ago I was helping to get the kids ready for school as our little tube sock of doom was scampering around underfoot; as is his custom in early AM hours.

This particular morning Kira was looking for something in her backpack and amongst the detritus in there the ferret found an opened package of peanut butter crackers and began making “daring raids”, stealing the crackers one by one and “ferreting” them away in some random spot, much to the  amusement of Kira, logan & I.

However, Kira was still looking for “something” and had yet to put on her belt so she had a considerable case of “plumbers butt” which was investigated immediately by a curious ferret; again, much to our mutual amusement.

Logan was Laughing so hard he was turning beet red to which I inquired:

“Logan, what’s so funny?”  Logan, with great difficulty, through his laughing and lack of oxygen, and managed to stammer: “The ferret…   thinks she… has an….   Ass full of crackers….”

Being the paragon of maturity that I am I immediately started laughing as hard as he was.  Kira and even the ferret was laughing too, like we were characters in an 80’s sitcom enjoying a relaxing moment of denoument.

Atheism, Child-Rearing, Hypocrisy & Me

Posted in failure, kids on March 2, 2010 by kingbiscuitpants

First let me state the fact that I happen to be a complete atheist, second let me say that in hindsight that I wished that we chose to raise the children with a more religious background and third I freely admit that makes me a total hypocrite.

To clarify, I never have “come out” as an atheist to the two younger kids (8 & 11) the 18 year old knows but he’s never driven me nuts with behavioral problems either. I personally “served a term” of severe Catholic education that lasted from kindergarten through high school, and was grateful for the high quality of education, but had severe issues with the “indoctrination” which led to guilt complexes and various other issues that didn’t get worked out till my late 20’s.

When my kids asked religious based questions I would answer very diplomatically using both my surprisingly extensive knowledge of theology (when we got detention we had to copy large bible passages by hand and the fact that I made it a point to read all the other religious texts for the express purpose of busting balls in theology class—which inevitably resulted in more detentions) and noncommittal language so as not to sway them in any way, and would also give them the answers provided by a few different religions for perspective.

In my mind I was trying to save them from the severe guilt I felt as a child for never being a “believer” and much of the craziness I (and probably my poor parents) went through when I got out of high school and went nuts rebelling against what I was taught.

So why am I saying that I wished we raised the children in a more religious environment? Well, while I still feel that religion for the most part is a tool to control the ignorant with primitive minds (please no hate mail, I also firmly believe everyone has the rights to their religion and the comfort it gives them, as well as some degree of envy), I never had a couple of ignorant creatures with primitive minds running around that I needed to control. I checked with my mother (because for various reasons my childhood memories are sketchy at best) she assured me that I was always rather respectful and other than being a bit messy and lazy I never really gave her a hard time. Of course, my mom and dad had backup from nuns beating the concept of “honor your mother and father” being a commandment that must be followed or I risked damnation, as well as literal beatings—I still flinch when I see a metal yard stick…

I intended to spare my kids the significant mental anguish I suffered from my experiences with religious indoctrination, now I wish I could saddle them with the exact same grief in order to provide defense for what is left of my current sanity. Selfish and hypocritical of my own admission, mea culpa. At least I now understand why I was brought up the way I was, and why it’s worked s well for the past few thousand years. It’s too late now for me to try that ploy since I still can’t imagine walking into a church (unless it was part of an elaborate bank heist) and also I’ve honed their bullshit detectors too well for them not to guess my motivations. It is a pity that it seems almost impossible to train people the value of respect, understanding and selflessness without the framework of a strict mythology; sure the Buddhists do a decent job of that but I spend too much time eating meat & wanting stuff for me to pull that one off either.

In any case wish me luck & if you’re so inclined say a prayer, it can’t hurt.

Goodbye Jimmy, We’ll Miss You…& Logan’s Resulting Questions

Posted in kids on November 19, 2009 by kingbiscuitpants

Yesterday at 10:15am my Cousin Jimmy died after fighting a degenerative liver disease for several years, he was 63.  He was my mother’s cousin but my relationship with him was as a close and caring uncle, he was a huge influence on me as one of the 3 primary male role modles in my life and when I find the words I’ll type out the eulogy he deserves as he was a very interesting guy.   So now my Grandfather, Father & now Jim are dead; it’s weird how that specific part of my family is almost surgicially removed, but surprisingly this is going to turn into another post about my kids.

When I broke the news to Kira it was as expected, she cried for quite a while but was ok in the end; of course the same can be said for her reaction this morning when she found out we were out of milk.  Logan’s reaction to the bad news was (rolls dice) met with his typical inquisitiveness.  First he said, “Well, that’s just a pity isn’t it; what are they going to do with the body?”  I explained Jim’s wish to be cremated, to which a panoply of questions began.

“Well shouldn’t you start gathering firewood?”

“Do you have to use a crematorium? That seems like no fun.  Is he burning now?”

“Where is the body, I don’t know if your mom would want a mess in her living room?”

“Oh so the morgue is like a cross between a file cabinet and a refridgerator…  I wonder if we could rent out some space in one so we have more room for leftovers.”

“Yeah, & I guess driving to the morgue for dinner would be a pain; how much does cremation cost?”

“That’s a rip off!  You really shouldn’t be lazy,  I bet we could do it ourselves for only $20.00 dollors.  I can help you gather branches and start the fire.”

“Why do you need a liscence to do that, how hard could it be?”  (Logan has a fixation on liscences of any kind that also can turn quite easily to a 2 hour series of querys on that subject as well)

This line of questioning went on without exaggeration for 2 hours & I swear I’m not making any of this up.  I’m not one to believe in ghosts or spirits but Jimmy had a great sense of humor and I know if he was a fly on the wall he’d have found the conversation a riot & frankly I needed a good laugh after hearing the news that he had passed away.  Nothing like and endless parade of tactless questions about human decomposition to take one’s mind off of the acute awareness of human mortality.

8 minutes… A Logan story…

Posted in kids on August 18, 2009 by kingbiscuitpants

As most of you know my youngest son Logan just turned 11 last week, so as my primary gift for him I got him a very nice remote control truck since it was something he’d wanted badly. He had been through several remote control vehicles in the past but they were of crappy quality so I figured, in my unfallable wisdom, that he’s old enough to handle a good one, it’ll last longer. So yesterday we loaded it up with all the AA batteries in the city of Sunrise Florida, I made him read the instructions and we took it out for it’s maiden voyage.

8 minutes.
8 goddamn minutes.
He broke the fucking thing in 8 goddamn minutes!!!!

Sigh… Usually when that much money is gone that quickly a blackjack table is involved. So here is how it happened…
We found a nice empty area in the parking lot of our apartment, checked for cars and he made his first tenative touches to the controls; promply reversing the truck and smacking me in the most delicate part of my bad ankle.
“Sorry dad..”
Winceing “It’s ok Logan, it was an accident, just try again & be careful.”
The truck made a quick once around culminating in him having to leap in the air in order to spare him his own ankles. I carfully went through braking and steering once again and off he went. He was speeding at full power towards the dumpster I knew things were about to get expensive…
“Logan turn the truck.”
“Logan turn the truck.”
“Logan turn the truck!”
“Logan, the truck turn it!!!”
And with the last of these instructions, and with painful slowness he turns towards me; the truck still accellerating to it’s doom. It smacked into the dumpster so hard that the engine shot out of the side, adding a missing onomonopea to my deep existential disappointment.
Later on today I intend to try to fix it, I’ll probably be able to get it to work but it will look like hell.

4th Grade Parent’s Breakfast–A Celebration of Almost Everything I Hate

Posted in kids on May 29, 2009 by kingbiscuitpants

There are things I simply despise, rational or not these are key to my personality.  The ones essential to this particular post are the following:

I hate getting up early (especially since I don’t get home from work till 3 am),

Children (other than mine),

Those children’s parents,

Looking at photographs (it depresses me more than most things),

Any PowerPoint anything,

Stale Pastry,

Children (they are just sticky little miniature douchebags),

Awkward interactions with strangers,

Being crammed into enclosed spaces,

Those children’s parents taking photographs,

Undersized furniture,

The movie “Independence Day”,

and last but certainly not least, children (and their germs and their general douchebaggery).

Because I dearly love my son I attended this abomination.   I knew what I was getting into but it is one of those parental duties that god saddles you with as a penalty for enjoying sexual intercourse.  We spent no small amount of time throwing together an Abraham Lincoln costume for his “presentation” last night; which only helped me to focus the dread of the morning to come.   “Oh no…” I thought, “Speaking children…”.

As I staggered into the classroom with Shu I saw a claustrophobic panorama of children (of whom I was certain were at the very least,  sticky & covered in germs) in costumes thrown together in equally rushed & haphazard ways; my favorite of these was a kid wearing a plain white T-shirt with Neil Armstrong crudely written across it in magic marker…  For a brief moment that kid was my hero.  So as I unenthusiastically picked from a table filled with obviously stale wholesale pastries (while secretly wishing it was an open bar) I endured child after child, going to the front of the class to spout out their key historical inaccuracies before returning to their desks, including a couple of lumbering geniuses who looked like they were trying to set a repeating 4th grade endurance record, they at least could have shaved for the occasion.

Logan however, found himself unable to rise to the occasion as he succumbed to the sheer terror of reading 3 sentences off of a blue note card in front of the classroom; I’d like to think he was having an existential crisis over the futility of it all; but it was probably just stage fright instead of the horrifying realization of  a vicious, uncaring world where there is a very real chance that there will be a critical, possibly fatal, lack of resources within his lifetime-a minor disappointment really but I digress.  When the presentations were over I thought I could escape but not before a seemingly endless PowerPoint slide show of badly composed photographs of the classes activities through the year.  Now I am finally home trying to make sense of the horrors I witnessed before having to repeat a variation on this theme in Kira’s classroom next week.