Adventures in Job Hunting: The Dread “Psych” Test
After waiting for 2 hours and filling out the requisite, cramp inducing, paperwork necissary so seek the employ as a waiter in a corporate restaurant chain; the much overworked manager dropped this bomb in my lap before running off to fix the latest symptom of a restaurant self destructing around him.
“Just fill this out & toss it on my desk. It’s the computerized psycological evaluation; if the machine passes you I’m allowed to start checking your references”
“Holy Shitfuck… I’m screwed…” I thought. The last time that I took one of these I was told, by my man on the inside of the place I was trying to work at the time, that I scored the worst that the manager had ever seen on the evaluation–and I’m much, much deeper down the rabbit hole now than I was back then.
The test was set up like it was a cross between the SAT and a piece of top secret information. Once I tore into the sealed and sacred document, I beegan the outright lying.
You… and by you I mean I am unable to answere any of these questions with a shread of honesty or no one would be stupid enough to hire me. This was actually the first question!
“Do you suffer from clinical depression?” Hell, I was just officially diagnosed with it 3 weeks ago by my therapist but you don’t admit that.
Several questions later I swear I got this one: “Have you ever had the urge to slap a stranger for no reason other than you just didn’t like the look on their face?” I spend all my time wanting to slap random idiots, I thought that’s normal.
“Would you describe yourself as having a high level of energy?” Now I answered yes, because anyone would assume that’s what they want to hear, but in all honesty I practically need an elaborate system of ropes & pulleys to get out of bed; and forget about how often I’ll doze off while sitting on the toilet.
“Do you have difficulty motivating yourself? Christ in a hat, that’s what my every other blog post is about!
So on and on I bubbled in (it was in scan tron format!) and endless stream of outright lies; remembering those creepy illustrations that they used in my old Catecism classes, where a very pissed off looking Jesus glowers over the shoulder of some random sinner.
My web of lies finally thrown together I optimisticly handed in the test, than realisticly put in about 10 more applications to other employers before going home.