Adventures in Job Hunting: The Dread “Psych” Test

After waiting for 2 hours and filling out the requisite, cramp inducing, paperwork necissary so seek the employ as a waiter in a corporate restaurant chain; the much overworked manager dropped this bomb in my lap before running off to fix the latest symptom of a restaurant self destructing around him.

“Just fill this out & toss it on my desk.  It’s the computerized psycological evaluation; if the machine passes you I’m allowed to start checking your references”

“Holy Shitfuck…  I’m screwed…”  I thought.  The last time that I took one of these I was told, by my man on the inside of the place I was trying to work at the time, that I scored the worst that the manager had ever seen on the evaluation–and I’m much, much deeper down the rabbit hole now than I was back then.

The test was set up like it was a cross between the SAT and a piece of top secret information.   Once I tore into the sealed and sacred document, I beegan the outright lying.

You…  and by you I mean I am unable to answere any of these questions with a shread of honesty or no one would be stupid enough to hire me.   This was actually the first question!

“Do you suffer from clinical depression?”  Hell, I was just officially diagnosed with it 3 weeks ago by my therapist but you don’t admit that.

Several questions later I swear I got this one: “Have you ever had the urge to slap a stranger for no reason other than you just didn’t like the look on their face?”  I spend all my time wanting to slap random idiots, I thought that’s normal.

“Would you describe yourself as having a high level of energy?”  Now I answered yes, because anyone would assume that’s what they want to hear, but in all honesty I practically need an elaborate system of ropes & pulleys to get out of bed; and forget about how often I’ll doze off while sitting on the toilet.

“Do you have difficulty motivating yourself?  Christ in a hat, that’s what my every other blog post is about!

So on and on I bubbled in (it was in scan tron format!) and endless stream of outright lies; remembering those creepy illustrations that they used in my old Catecism classes, where a very pissed off looking Jesus glowers over the shoulder of some random sinner.

My web of lies finally thrown together I optimisticly handed in the test, than realisticly put in about 10 more applications to other employers before going home.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: