In which I describe my absolute hatred for “Guitar Hero” & it’s ilk.
To begin with let me sum it up with this: It’s fucking “Simon”.
Those of you with a similar number of years as me will remember this; “Simon” was a standard C-battery sucking electronic game from the 8o’s by Milton Bradley; where it played a bunch of lights & notes at a random & increasing rate and you tried to match it. “Guitar hero” (and “Rockband” as if there’s a goddamn difference really and if there is I honsestly don’t give a flying shit so don’t fucking bother me with their nuances) is the same goddamn thing, just with better music and fancier presentation. It is about as similar to playing an instrument as a bad case of the whiskey shits is to a skilled performance of Argentine style tango. Perhaps it’s because I’m a washed up former musician with emotional problems (ok almost certainly) but every aspect of it makes me violently angry that it exists.
Now in general I make great effort to keep my long list of twisted and random neurosis affect my parenting decisions (I usually fail), but in this one thing I make no effort: I categorically refuse to allow that plastic abomination into my home, or for people to buy it for them. Before you condemn me, know I actually bought my two younger kids (8 & 11 for people not farmilliar with my ramblings) real and playable guitars and provided lessons, knowing well thay they’d bang around on them for an hour before allowing them to rot away in their cases.
People defend “Guitar Hero” by saying it gets kids into music & I also cry bullshit on that. Sure there are a handful of kids who moved to real instruments from those games but I’ll bet thousands more kids just settled for the bullshit instant gratification of the game, like the fat, ignorant, douchebag, type 2 diabetes having, negative American stereotypes that they are . Then one might try to defend the game again by saying “Actually some of the levels are very difficult and take ages to masteer” You mean like the amount of time it could take you to ACTUALLY LEARN A FUCKING SONG!!! Let me tell you something else no matter how good you are at guitar hero it will never get you laid… Never. Not once, not ever. Hell, even when I was a mediocre musician (ok you can argue I still am) performing onstage has helped many a time to make up for the fact that I’m a dangerously neurotic man who is physically repulsive.
The only “redeeming” quality if any, is that it does allow the music industry to make a few buck in the age of the downloand & helped bands like Coheed & Cambria & Dragonforce to gain some popularity but that’s it. To best describe my feelings towards “Guitar Hero” (without resulting to obseneties) it would be like the son of an orthodox Jewish Rabbi expressing intrest in building a smoker in the living room to embrace his lifelong passion for whole hog barbeque.
Forgive the language by the way this is just one of those things that has been adding to my likelyness of getting cancer for a while & I feel better now that it’s off my chest.