I’m fairly convinced; my housecats are assholes…

Let me first qualify myself as an animal lover, I have had dogs, cats, lizards, fish and even axotyl and have been fond of all.  This being said, however, I have come to the painful conclusion that my current housecats are total assholes.  They were given to our family as kittens by a presumptuous but well meaning friend of ours a week after our much beloved (by me as well) cat of 17 years died of cancer.  I still have a bit of bile towards our friend for not eliciting my opinion at any time about her decision to drop of not one but TWO FUCKING CATS!!! at our door.  In her defense she knew my response would have been to say “NO FUCKING WAY!!  REMEMBER I HAVE A GUN & KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!” I then would have built a moat and filled it with burning tires.

I dealt with this & forgave our very well intentioned friend (with the understanding that any other live animal she brought into my home I will force her to watch me kill & eat regardless of species) because it brought much joy to Shu & the kids.  Consigned to owning these cats I decided to make the best of it, however, however, as they grew they matured in to claw covered furry balls of destruction who live to find new and inventive ways to shit not quit in the cat box  but near enough to make one optimistic as well as DESTROY ALL MY FUCKING FURNITURE & THE COVERINGS FOR MY AMPS!!!!

We’ve tried squirt guns, loud noises, moving & changing the litter boxes as well as every responsible and legitimate cat disciplining information on the internet.  I have also in the interest of science explored screaming, slapping, and even the occasional “swirly” when they are caught in the act of feline douchebaggery but to no avail.   We have spent large amounts of money on scratching posts smeared with everything from catnip to Mexican black tar heroin to encourage them to use them to no avail.  These feline jack-offs insist on only clawing up things I personally care about.

But my wife & kids “love” them.  I simply do not understand this, these little shits are far from affectionate to start with so I really see no return on investment when I step in a pile of cat vomit at 3 a.m.  So since I am the only human in the house to miss the allure of these devious feline scumbags I have been going way out of my way to find some redeeming quality to these little fucks out of sympathy to my family before I do a full court press to get rid of them, with a bat if necessary.  But I am trying, and remember I actually LIKE cats just these 2 are assholes, that simple; I’m trying to se the best and wish me luck but so far all the data I have reached screams “LIVING WITH 2 FELINE ASSHOLES”!!!

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